I don’t know why people think horror movies make good date movies. Sure the girl may get scared and you get to protect her and all that. But if you’re a girl, sometimes the guy gets scared — and you resent and pity him for being a coward. Also, a lot of horror movies are also actually the anti makeout movie because of how easy it is for movies to remind you that tongues are weird, giant organs that can turn into monsters. And that kissing someone is also a great opportunity to bite someone’s face off.
Because it’s National Kissing Day (KISSING? BARF!), here are a bunch of movies to not watch tonight.
Christopher Walken + razor teeth.
One of the biggest makeout misfires to happen in film, ever.
Drag Me To Hell
My favorite gross-out part of this gross-out movie.
Night of the Demons
Again, just remember: anytime you kiss someone, they can rip your tongue right out.
Cabin in the Woods
Anna Hutchison takes her “dare” to uncomfortable sexy-time levels.
Trumping making out with a dead wolf is being seduced by your TV. Which if you’re in a body horror movie, is never a good idea.
The Hills Have Eyes II
No part of any of the Hills Have Eyes franchise makes for a feel-good date movie. Poor Missy.
Hellbound: Hellraiser II
Sometimes people just kiss you because they want to grow their skin back.
Even priests Even zombie priests need loving. Who cares if they lose half their face?
Okay, what did I forget?