Watch any of these five movies instead.
1) Night of the Lepus (1972)
42nd Street Pete reviewed this for us a few months back, and it’s probably best we open up with some words from 42P’s dissertation: “Is a guy in an Easter Bunny suit scary? Didn’t think so. Well, in Night of the Lepus, you get a shit load of real bunnies hopping around miniature sets and some guys in bunny suits that drool a lot. Seems that some kid felt sorry for bunnies being experimented on, so one bunny is set free, screws every female rabbit on Arizona, and they give birth to mutant, giant bunnies in search of fresh meat.” Actually… what more need now be said?
2) Critters 2: The Main Course (1988)
Ohh, Critters 2. Easter is simply part of the backdrop, the mise en scene if you will, of this penultimate Critters flick. Our furry, voracious animal friends are back, and this time they attack Small Town, America straight in the middle of their Easter celebrations. (A disaster that kickstarts because Critters eggs are mistaken for Easter Eggs. Fools.) Featuring some of the best slapstick in the genre, probably the most memorable scene involves the Easter Bunny himself. Meeting his untimely demise. Check it.
3) Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)
Full disclosure: I have never actually seen Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! No DVD release of the film was ever issued, and despite such promises from the filmmakers that the movie would show up On-Demand this March in Netflix, as of April 1, the movie ain’t there. (Although it was hosted online for awhile at Cruxy.) Most intriguing of all? For the limited few who’ve seen this movie (including DC’s Uncle Creepy and GeeksofDoom), they seem to enjoy it. Store this sleazy, exploitation flick on the mental backburner from when we can all actually watch it. P.S. It’s a dude in a mask. Not an actual killer Easter Bunny.
4) Stigmata (1999)
Lest we forget what Easter is actually about, Stigmata is arguably the “best” horror movie on this list. Frankie (Patricia Arquette) plays a religiously lackluster dame who starts experiencing stigmata (ahem, the phenomenon of wounds appearing on the body of the same variety that slayed Jesus). She actually catches her stigmata from some rosary beads her father sends her, that she decides to wear as a fashion statement. Then Jesus wreaks havoc on her body. Yup, he’s kind of the villain of this movie. Which makes Easter now the scariest holiday of all. What if he did come back? And fucked us all up?
5) Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991)
So what, it’s not a horror movie, even though it has death, Death, Hell, murder, and evil. It also has the most scarring portrayal of the Easter Bunny ever made. He’s on film for all of a minute, but goddamn if it isn’t the creepiest moment in E. Bunny history. Check it out.