UPDATE: Gremlins wins and advances!
Round 1 in our battle royale of the movies that remind us Christmas isn’t always the happiest time of the year. Cast your vote at the end for which bad-ass movie will move up in the tournament.
Gremlins (1984)
Billy Peltzer’s father gives him the worst-best Christmas gift a guy could ask for when he buys him an adorable, furball Mogwai, off of a crazy old Chinese man, in desperate pursuit of a unique gift. If only Billy could’ve followed the three rules. Damn.
Basically, director Joe Dante’s iconic gremlins just ooze Christmas cheer, whether they’re going Christmas caroling, or murdering the wretched Mrs. Deagle. Extra Christmas horror points for Billy’s girlfriend, Kate, and her traumatizing story of why she hates Christmas:
Kate: The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.
With mogwai, comes much responsibility.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Easily one of the first movie covers to pop to mind when thinking of Christmas slasher’s is Silent Night, Deadly Night, directed by Charles Sellier, Jr. With a tagline of, “You’ve made it through Halloween, now survive Christmas” we’ve got a lot to work with here.
Our story starts with yet another Billy (obviously a popular name in ‘84), who pays a visit to his grandfather in a nursing home. Otherwise catatonic and unresponsible, his grandfather wakes up just long enough to wisen young William up with some advice: Santa is not only a gift-giver, but he straight up punishes naughty boys and girls. Lesson shared, grandpa slips back into his coma.
Unfortunately, Billy’s Christmas scarring has only just begun, because later that night a man in a Santa Claus suit shoots Billy’s father, then rapes and kills his mother. Or tries to rape her. Either way, damage done, and it’s all enough to send Billy into an orphanage, where his pre-occupations with punishing the naughty, along with his Santa Claus issues only grow.
By the time Billy’s 18, he himself is now donning a Santa suit and using it as the perfect vehicle to take out all the murderous repression that’s been brewing inside him all these years. Even scarier yet? Silent Night, Deadly Night spawned four sequels.
You scared, ain't ya? You should be! Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!
***POLL CLOSED: Gremlins wins.***
